the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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