The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
