JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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