Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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