watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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