Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
