In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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