Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Randomize
