The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I need a hoe opinion
go on
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
