dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Randomize
