ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
