i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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