I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
