The beers last night were like the tears from god
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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