they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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