just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think your dad took our porno
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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