mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
