Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
