lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
