I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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