Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I cut my penus on the lid.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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