you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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