I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
