I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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