As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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