I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
