Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
