This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize