i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
