I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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