billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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