I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize