Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
