I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
