also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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