It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i wish my penis had a tongue
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
