C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize