he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
