For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
