Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
