I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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