there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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