So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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