porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
