i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
