so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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