Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize