Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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