Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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