the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
It was confusing and full of hummus
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
