hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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