I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
