I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
God I need to hump something, right now.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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