took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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