I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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