I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
