I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
