Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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